Urbanized Dolphin

early 2004. C5 road just a few meters before the market market flyover. Past Midnight.

Ogi, one of my home budz just had coffee at a pastry shop along the C5 highway (the speed demon’s lair, with in a year just after it opened almost three dozen lost thier lives on this accident prone highway). We were both wearing tanktops and shorts (how fucking gay!) and was driving home on my first generation Honda wave 125 cc motor bike.

I was driving and Ogi was flexing his muscles while at the back.

BOTH WITHOUT HELMETS.

We were going way way way past the the speed gauge. I didn’t realized it until Ogi shouted at me.

OGI – Paye! nalagpasan ba natin yung honda accord? o baka

nag-dedaydream lang ako? (Dude! Did we just pass that accord?

or am i just day dreaming?)

I looked at my gauge, the needle was on the 120 km/h mark. Fuck! I got carried away.

OGI – Paye sana pala nag helmet tayo! para di tayo mabasa sa ulan!

(Dude we should have worn the helmets! so we wont get soaked

from the rain!)

LUI – Anung ulan? (What rain?)

OGI – Hindi umuulan? E ba’t nababasa mukha ko? (Isn’t it raining?

then why am I getting wet?

LUI- Tanga! Laway ko lang iyun! Di ko makontrol yung pisngi at labi

ko sa sobrang bilis ng hanging tumama sa akin! (Idiot! its me!

im drooling because the were driving to fast!)

OGI – OKAY! …. Aba ginoong maria napupuno ng ka na grasya…

(Hail mary full of grace….)

after a few minutes….

LUI – Ogie wala na tayo sa highway (Ogie were not on the higway

anymore)

I suddenly felt a warm wet sensation running on my back.

Ogi fucking pissed on me.

I felt violated. Very much violated.

shssssh… Innocence is extinct.

Back in college I really had a huge crush with one of my classmates on my Media Ethics class. It took me a month to even have the guts to ask her out. She seemed so perfect and very innocent. The types of chick you bring home to your mother to have dinner with. The types you really dole out money on a date.

So after a month of awkward smiles, corny jokes and eerie glances with her I got the balls and asked her out. To my surprise she said yes, we settled on having a dinner on our first date…

I was so happy inside that I didn’t realize I was humming Jamie Rivera’s “Golden Jubilee Song” (don’t even ask how I know the melody). She laughed a little and I saw her cute smile, her dimples magnetized my eyes (wow magnetized… effing gay of me). She told me I didn’t looked like the religious type.

I decided to bring her to Nipa Hut, then a cozy romantic open air resto setting along McKinley road (yes! its near Victoria court… purely coincidence, i didn’t expected to get laid on our first date).

the whole night went well, a dinner of seafoods, an enchanting serenade from the house guitarist, colorful and humorous conversation and a couple of glasses of wine. Maybe not a couple….

Coz by the end of night, well, her little innocent self just disappeared.

I thought this was only the beer talking. I was a bit tipsy too, so I took the risk that I thought was way over my head.

I asked her… “so you wanna go somewhere private where we can talk… privately?” I emphasized the private part.

She said yes. WOW! I felt like Robin Padilla. That night I was like the gifted son of the Giggolo Gods!

My brain went to super active imagination mode. With my hands trembling and my cock tingling I paid the bill and we quickly dashed off to Victoria Court.

As we went inside, with her little cute self clinging tightly on my arms, i looked at her and marveled on how beautifully innocent she looked at that moment. Actually it was more like tipsy and horny. hehehe… damn!

but then everything collapsed…

tang ina… lahat ng makasalubong namin na attendant kilala at binabati siya eh… may pahabol pang SUKI! SUKI!

ang leche regular dun.

but I didn’t mind that. I thought that it was the mix of red wine and adrenaline making me delusional.

So when we got inside a room I told her if she wanted beer…

anakanang… ay red wine lang daw talaga siya, di siya umiinom ng beer… pero kung gusto ko daw kaya niyang upuan ung bote….

nawindang ang lolo nyo mga friends… anu ba tong babaeng to… hunyango? sa umaga sweet looking estyudante, sa gabi hardcore sex machine.

biglang tumayo ang hitad. sabi “Im gonna go to the cr”

that time i was really horny. so i grabbed her and took her clothes off…

only to realize that there was another set of clothes underneath it. I asked her “anu ka ba? takot ka bang ma-rape?”

she instantly laughed… “Eh Gago! di na damit yan”

Anakanang… tattoo pala…. tadtad ng tattoo ang hitad….

leche… during that time kinakabahan na ako… baka ativan tong classmate kong ito ah…

but that didn’t affected the wild sex. After one round and an hour and a half of kinky and dirty love making (yes that moment, i still thought of it as love making). She got a butt and smoked and quickly asked me…

“iisa ka pa ba?”

sabi ko “baket may pupuntahan pa ba tayo?”

“ewan ko ikaw, ako may date pa, nagtext na yun susunod sayo, nasa nipa hut na rin, ei nga pala, huwag mo sabihin sa mga classmate natin na libre to ha, alam nila girl for hire ako eh.”

Anakanang puta…. yung innocentengcrush ko… puta pala…

The other day I was riding with my bro in his car. As we were cruising along C-5 road heading towards the Market Market mall at the Fort his car’s engine suddenly yelped . The hood suddenly became a flat chimney as it blew thick white smoke all over.

Obviously something was wrong (Lui’s multiple personality number one says: You don’t say? Duh!) so we decided to pull down the side of the road. Both of us got out of the car to take a look at the smoke belching hood.

Then an officer from the Traffic enforcement group riding a big easy rider bike (those HAGAD motorbikes) suddenly popped out of nowhere. I thought he was gonna ticket us or something. Again, as most things in my life, I assumed wrong. Way way wrong….

The cop said, “Nasiraan kayo ng kotse?” (Your car broke down?).

Instantly I frisked my own body and searched all over for a sign or something on me that says “PLEASE ASK OBVIOUS QUESTIONS TO THIS GUY”. I only stopped when my big brother (literally he’s big, I’m taller but his really big, I’m like Yao, his like Yokuzuna, except it’s pure mass) gave me a hard slap on the back of my neck.

What the fuck? Was the cop too stupid to realize that yes our car bugged down. That there is obviously something wrong and anyone can tell because the car hood’s resemble like a smoke shaft as it puffs tremendous amount of smoke.

I instinctively said, “Ay hindeeee! Napagod lang un sasakyan, nag request lang ng yosi break kaya pinagbigyan namin”(No, our car got tired and requested for a quick cigarette break so we gave him a butt)

Again my enormously framed brother gave me another good nape slapping.

The traffic cop went dead silent. He just looked at us. He’s probably thinking that were Dolphy and Panchito’s (Philippine’s Abbot and Costelo) clones.

He just said “Ok” and went on his way.

He said ok. Why on earth did he said ok?

Hell if I know. Damn if I care.

Get my gun I wanna shoot my self in the head right now

Stupid bike riding pig.

again while riding an fx…. I’m still asking God why did I have to hear this….

 overheard from two females seating at front passenger seat…

Girl # 1 – “Alam mo nung college sa Fx ako nag bre-breakfast, yung Regular yum sa Mcdo, tapos fries                     at coke…”

Girl # 2 – “(suddenly butt in) yung go big time?”

Girl # 1 – “engot hinde, go large, Mcdo nga eh”

Girl # 2 – “Grabe ka nauubos mo un?”

Girl # 1 – “ok lang naman ah, diet coke naman un eh”

Girl # 2 – “ay oo effective un pag nag da-diet ka”

 I wanna scream “Please shoot me now”.

People are generally stupid. Or they act like they are to be given attention.

That’s how I see it when confronted with situations when people states what is concretely obvious.

LIke one time, I was riding in the front passenger seat of a public utility Tamarraw Fx with a sign board Quiapo-Pasig hanging on its wind shield. There were other passengers on the back so its clearly obvious that this vehicle is a public transport. We slowed down and eventually stopped when coming into an intersection as the traffics lights went red. Then all of a sudden the door next to me opened. It was a girl whom I thought was going to ride beside me. I was wrong. Way wrong.

She asked something so inane that I was instantly dumbfounded…

“Boss Fx?”

What the fuck?!? Was it not obvious enough? Does the fx have some sort of disguise mechanism that she might have mistaken it to something remotely different than a normal FX. Like say, a big can of corn beef with doors and wheels.

I was about to reply…. “Hinde Ah! Spaceship to sakay ka?” (Definitely Not! This is a space ship, wann ride?)

I wanna say were a space shuttle on a mission to deeply probe your anal cavity you stupid bitch.

But the driver’s reply stopped me.

“Oo miss” (Yes miss)

With goey spit running down my open gasping mouth, I slowly turned to face the driver. He was dead serious. Oblivious to the fact that he answered a very dopy and obvious question.

Maybe he got shocked with the girl’s nonsensical query causing his mind to block up and simply reacted with the same dazed response.

Right then I made a mental note. Do not forget to take daily vitamins. Stupidity is contagious.

Right after the driver said yes. The girl just slammed the door shut and walked away. She left me there pondering what the fuck did just happen… and in what form does it make any relevance to my life? Why the hell did I just experienced that?

Is she not convinced that what we were riding was a real FX? Probaby not.

Maybe she was looking for a crosswind or adventure.