Urbanized Dolphin

A month ago, a couple of days before the holidays hit, the time when i questioned everything about my life, focusing rigidly on the aspect of breaking up with my two year “domestic partner”, I told everyone that I already moved on, that i no longer felt bitter.

But new year’s eve came. I saw my family hugged each other’s wives and husbands, dads and mother’s kissed their sons and daughters, even my widowed Lola has her friends with her…

….. I saw myself alone.

As the clock stroked midnight. There I was.

Alone.

Alone and staring at the colorful lights and being consumed by the bangs of firecrackers. Then i realized, at that moment, at that particular time. I haven’t moved on. But that was then….

January One hits and passes…. its now January Eleven.

I now feel free… free of that bitterness… There was no exact moment really. No defining strip of time line where i felt that i was no longer bitter.

Time has healed me. Time has kept me busy. Time, well, it saved me. It consumed me. Now I no longer think of being alone. I feel more secure and content on being single.

Hmmm… now I’m afraid to hook up with someone hahahha….

I’m so in love with being single! Well that’s probably an overstatement, going out and dating would be most welcomed. But nothing serious at this moment. I don’t wanna ruin or jinx my “roll”.

Roll? Well I am on a roll. I’m single. I’m not hard on the eyes (HA!!well I’m not ugly but i aint no Aga Mulach either), I have my own flat (it’s really more of studio type bungalow), financially I’m very “free”, besides renting out a small commercial space that I own, i luckily landed a great job doing what I love… Writing, I’m in a firm where most of my workmates are as insane or crazier than I am, giving me a sense of ultimate belongingness.And besides having a day job, my freelance writing projects for television is going full blast (one year of sacrificing a lot of things and never compromising…. It’s all worth it ‘coz its finally here!).

It’s all falling to pieces…

This year is well, gonna be better than the last.

2006 was a year when time stood still when my eyes were open and went zooming past by me when i blinked.

A time where I lost almost every hopes and dreams i had…and yet gained a lot of new things to embrace and dream about anew.

A time of losing and gaining.

Time… hmmm… it sums up everything that has happened to me for the past twenty six years of my existence…..

Time is life’s essential antibiotic….

It heals….

Life goes on. Time will be my i.v.

2006 was a turbulent and fruitful moment in my life. A time of When and Why?

2007 will be the defining year for me. A time of Now and Why not Why? -Drowning Dolphin

“Time is on my side… yes it is…”

- Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones

A lot of people tell me that I’m a great conversationalists… I don’t really know if that’s true, but it does tell me one thing…. I’m a chatter box… perils of being a favorite grandson of a devout catholic whose a member of CWL, it’s supposed to stand for Catholic Women’s League… I call it Chismisan Walang Lagot. I grew up waiting for my Lola and her church amigas to end a “meeting” ( all they talk about is who’s doing what and why their doing it). Also, my granddad is a much sought after public speaker doing the rounds giving recollections, ultreya and spiritual talks.

Having said that, I’d like to think that i grew up watching people being enveloped with words. I grew up and learned how to talk to almost anyone…. I grew up in the lands of words and conversations….

Quite fascinated by it.

When fortunate enough to have somebody to talk with, those who can dive beneath the shallowness of mundane realities…. I become…. somewhat of a lobbyist…. lobbying for what?

For something worthwhile to say and hear….

A couple of hours ago i ended a very interesting, fruitful and quite a long phone conversation with a female friend of mine…. the chat didn’t focused on any specific topic, but it did brought some sort of a reality buzz on my, I used to think, perpetually empty soul.

In some point during the conversation we talked about the idea that when all of us grow old… and sex is “obsolete”… all you and your partner will have is long conversations…. if your fortunate enough to find someone that will grow old with you and have long chats about anything and every thing….

And when the times come that either one of you will die, lack of a better and mild word to use, all you have is your hands gripping hers and your very last conversation…. your final chat…. your words and hers….

you final goodbye’s and I’ll be waiting for you there…

And it hit me…. as a writer I have always sunked and dived in almost all forms of melancholic attacks and sudden bursts of emptiness… i thought that there is no cure…. that my problem, specially in terms of failed relationships, is brought by that lack of feeling of contentment and satisfaction. And that I’ll never find “the thing” that will eventually fill the empty space that has been a part of my existence…

But now i know…

I get it…. what I’m looking for is for someone to talk with for the rest of our lives…. i felt empty with past relationships because there was no real conversations… just random talks about problems and the day to day realities….

No long talks about dreams, ideas, passions…. no intellectual orgasms exploding in my head….. its not that my ex’s are not that interesting to talk with… but most of my past girlfriends are more interested in the mundane problems of life…. jaded perhaps…. no more new things to say…. no more learning…. no more gaining…

That’s it… I fail in love because I haven’t found the long talks that i long for….

I long to have someone grow old with me and still talk about new things… new ideas… new dreams…..