Top Ten Things I Dreamed Of PNOY Saying When Asked About His First 100 Days In Office

TRAFFIC IN EDSA IS STILL A NIGHTMARE…. At least there are no more wang wangs. (Sorry Shalani, I’m always late for our date)

Pic above is EDSA during PNOY and Shalani’s monthsary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Spent Just $50 for Hotdogs In New York, Whereas GMA Spent A Million For Her Dinner At Le Cirque.

PNOY seen here buying the Philippine contingent and some US Secret Service officers some hotdogs in NYC. Now he promises to do the same thing in the middle of Mendiola and Legard. But instead of an Americana, he’s going to wear Barong, and buy fishballs, instead of sausages.

I PROMISE NOT TO ADD MORE ABADS IN MY GOVERNMENT

<==== is A Bad family picture. Er, i mean the Abad Family picture.

 

 

 

 

My bestfriend Usec Puno is not making me look good… But let’s give him a fourth chance.

Aside from the Hostage Fiasco and Jueteng issue, the above pic is contributed to USEC Puno’s doing. He texted the President “Paye, Badtrp me sa U, deins U uwi hotdogs from NYC for me. How could U, im ur BFF!”

 

 

 

 

Shalani and I have not yet broken up… We still see each other on Skype and click the like button on each and every single status we put out on Facebook.

PNOY and Shalani, seen here attending a Couples For Christ seminar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Will Stop Blaming The Arroyos For Everything…

Pnoy pledging to stop pointing the blames to the Arroyo… and just let De Lima and The Truth Commission do that for him.

 

 

 

 

I am down to one pack of Marlboro Lights per day.

Hey, if this guy can smoke, why can’t PNOY. QUIT making him QUIT!

 

 

 

 

We f*&$#d up on the hostage crisis. I should have named Binay as DILG.

Pnoy seen here pondering on why he didn’t put the perfect man for the job.

 

 

 

 

We will succeed, because Kris Aquino is out of TV and out of a relationship.

<==== a bit freaky, but true.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not supposed to be here… But because of you people I am. So quit Bitchin’! Let Me Do My Job!

PNOY letting out steam. After a very rough 100 days.

 

 

 

 

 

hey, let’s all be thankful he won, or else….

Ang Pagbabalik ni Asyong Salonga.

(seriously, at least this guy made the dollar rate go up man. Now, dollar is down against pesos. the OFW families are fucked!)

A thousand Islands More To Go!

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Reasons Why The Quirino Grandstand Hostage Crisis Ended Up In A Blood Bath

Swat Team Ill-equipped

Picture below is MPD Supt. Nelson Yabut and he’s about to distribute the armaments to his men.

Here’s MPD’s Supt. Yabut: Men, here are your weapons, go quick and go fast, there’s not many to go around, so just get one each. Those who will not get weapons, ask the person next to you to share his.

Hostage Negotiator Was Not Taken Seriously By Mendoza

Here’s the Jollibee kiddie meal ordered by Mendoza, delivered by the fastfood’s very realiable service crew. Wait a sec, he’s the hostage negotiator?

Well, you have to give it to the guy, he’s so excited to be a hostage negotiator he cut himself having.

The Situation Lacks Star Power

ice Mayor Isko Moreno is famous yes, but nothing tops being Panday and Exodus, Sen. Bong Revilla, seen here on a prior bus hostage taping, i mean hostage taking.

all together now…”And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, and cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive”

Read: with Senator Revilla, you know you can survive… for god’s sake, he’s an action star!

The DILG Secretary Is One Cuddly Bear

Sec. Robredo was seen during the crisis with his usual cute and cuddly look.

He’s just so goody goody!

Now compare him to this guy…..

Rambotito! Rambotito!

I bet Mendoza will think twice before spraying bullets inside that bus.

The Mighty Thor Was Asked To Be The Squad Leader

Mighty Thor-turned-Manila’s Finest

“Now you face the Mightiest Avenger of all”

er, can anyone please hold my gun for a sec

The Ground Commander Is A Robin Padilla Badboy Fan

This guy has no kevlar helmet, no bullet proof vest, just brandishing a .45 calibre, ready to take on the world with his “bad boy” hat…. amazing.

The Assault Team Was Confused

Could you blame them, it was raining as fuck, plus they all got confused. They were briefed that the hostages where Hong Kong national’s, not Hong Thai travellers.

The Were No Abads During The Crisis

Actually they have nothing to do with the crisis, but the sheer number of them in P-Noys government my have change Mendoza’s war mongering status… it’s a shock and awe tactic… the more the scarier! Where are the Abads when you need them!

Just beyond the interstate….

“Leaving Las Vegas”

Life springs eternal
On a gaudy neon street
Not that I care at all
I spent the best part of my losing streak
In an Army Jeep
For what I can’t recall
Oh I’m banging on my TV set
And I check the odds
And I place my bet
I pour a drink
And I pull the blind
And I wonder what I’ll find

I’m Leaving Las Vegas
Lights so bright
Palm sweat, blackjack
On a Saturday night
Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving for good, for good
I’m leaving for good
I’m leaving for good

Used to be I could drive up to
Barstow for the night
Find some crossroad trucker
To demonstrate his might
But these days it seems
Nowhere is far enough away
So I’m leaving Las Vegas today

I’m standing in the middle of the desert
Waiting for my ship to come in
But now no joker, no jack, no king
Can take this loser hand
And make it win

I quit my job as a dancer
At the Lido Des Girls
Dealing blackjack until one or two
Such a muddy line between
The things you want
And the things you have to do

I’m leaving Las Vegas
And I won’t be back
No I won’t be back
Not this time

Without you, I’m as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even though I don’t know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together. I swear, I’ll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I’ll clean the toilet every week. I’ll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words “hooters” and “love rockets” from my vocabulary. I’ll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it “May May”. I will only pass gas underneath the covers and under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I’ll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won’t buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a witch with a capital B. And your folks don’t have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I’ll separate the whites from the colors and learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I’ll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on my makeup. If you’re a cat person, I’ll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can’t. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like “Pride and Prejudice”. I’ll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won’t curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say “yes” when you ask, “Is my hair looking okay tonight?” I’m gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word “cuddle”. I’ll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I’m gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I’ll actually write you real letters when we’re apart. I’m never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I’ll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you’ll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I’ll start wearing those bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you’ve ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.

Lui’s Real Life Sitcom (The Lui and Ogie Experiences – 1)

early 2004. C5 road just a few meters before the market market flyover. Past Midnight.

Ogi, one of my home budz just had coffee at a pastry shop along the C5 highway (the speed demon’s lair, with in a year just after it opened almost three dozen lost thier lives on this accident prone highway). We were both wearing tanktops and shorts (how fucking gay!) and was driving home on my first generation Honda wave 125 cc motor bike.

I was driving and Ogi was flexing his muscles while at the back.

BOTH WITHOUT HELMETS.

We were going way way way past the the speed gauge. I didn’t realized it until Ogi shouted at me.

OGI – Paye! nalagpasan ba natin yung honda accord? o baka

nag-dedaydream lang ako? (Dude! Did we just pass that accord?

or am i just day dreaming?)

I looked at my gauge, the needle was on the 120 km/h mark. Fuck! I got carried away.

OGI – Paye sana pala nag helmet tayo! para di tayo mabasa sa ulan!

(Dude we should have worn the helmets! so we wont get soaked

from the rain!)

LUI – Anung ulan? (What rain?)

OGI – Hindi umuulan? E ba’t nababasa mukha ko? (Isn’t it raining?

then why am I getting wet?

LUI- Tanga! Laway ko lang iyun! Di ko makontrol yung pisngi at labi

ko sa sobrang bilis ng hanging tumama sa akin! (Idiot! its me!

im drooling because the were driving to fast!)

OGI – OKAY! …. Aba ginoong maria napupuno ng ka na grasya…

(Hail mary full of grace….)

after a few minutes….

LUI – Ogie wala na tayo sa highway (Ogie were not on the higway

anymore)

I suddenly felt a warm wet sensation running on my back.

Ogi fucking pissed on me.

I felt violated. Very much violated.

God Channel surfs as I eat a sinner’s breakfast meal…

zzz… snorks… zzz… you like a little snootchie bootchie huh? zzz… Angel Locsin youre a total slut aren’t you huh…

That’s me sleep talking while dreaming sexual fantasies that will never ever happen.

Kablagag!

That’s reality waking me up before I go Rico Yan Mode. It’s my granny (my sweet Lola) banging may pad’s door as she enters. Normally my alarm clock would wake me up and I’ll find Lola’s-made breakfast spread on my dining table (she’s pretty sneaky, Ninja Lola). The usual Hotdogs, eggs and whole wheat bread.

But this day is different. Lola is on one of her hypertensive fits. It’s “gonna be a bad day” day.

Snoopy is right… in life some mornings are meant to be crappy.

Whapack… THUD THUD!

Nope. That’s not Lola’s ass hitting my cheaply done linoleum floor after tumbling off while traversing my thrash and dirty laundry clattered floor… It’s her angry fist beating my bedroom’s door. Yes this senile overbearing but loving 72 year old sweet granny of mine can pack a mean wallop.

“LOWE! LOWE! TUMAYO KA NA DIYAN TINAMANANG…!”

thanks for the wake up call and good morning to you too Lola.

Quickly, I got out of bed and opened the door. Instantly an artillery of in-your-face moral ethics suppository missiles disguised as words bombards my ears.

“Anu yung nabalitaan ko? BOMBA daw ang ginagawa mo sa opis!?! mana ka talaga sa tatay mo! Malaswa kayo pareho! Mag resign ka na! Kasalanan niyang ginagawa mo. Hindi ka na nga nagsisimba, ganyan pa hanap buhay mo?!? Wala ka na bang DIYOS?!? Kasalanan iyang ginagawa mo!!!

I tilted my head and said… “Di ba dialogue ni Nida Blanca yan kay Dina Bonnevie sa pelikula? Tang ina anu ba title nun?”

My lola quickly replied “Tanga, si Jay Manalo nagsabi nun kay Aubrey Miles sa pelikulang prosti.”

“Weh?” What does she know…

“Kumain ka na! Malaswa kang bata ka. Ayan ang hotdog at pandesal kainin mo na” she said while sweeping my floor. As my Lola left I contemplated my sinner status while I splurge on hotdogs and eggs.

My spangkinly sweet neurotic granny is right. I’m a churchless sinful prick and Nida Blanca didn’t say anything remotely religious to Dina Bonnevie (her line was MAGDUSA KA!)

I’m a sinner yes. Aren’t we all? (Yes, Mike Velarde, that’s include you!)

But I am not godless. I’m agnostic, Theist Agnostic (I-google nyo na lang!) to be more specific..

A believe that there is a god but it’s not the gods of countless religions and sects that promises salvation. Why believe in institutions with contradictory dogma’s, messianic promises and church contribution pleadings?

it’s hard for Lola to understand this. She practically raised me in a very catholic environment.

I grew up seeing Parish Priests having lunch on our ancestral house. I attended Legion of Mary meetings with aunts and uncles. And yes, i was once an altar boy,

This whole thing burned me out. It opened my eyes…

That diving looking Parish Priests are lunch freeloading bastards. Some are caught stealing misdirecting church funds to support his drinking binge and boracay trips. Some get their secretaries pregnant. One quit the calling to study law after saving up away from services and donations. (oist! professional career din pala ang pagpapari! Collect now , save up and then quit on Jesus to study law or nursing)

That Legion of Mary meetings start with prayer then ends up with gossips and beer discussions.

That altar boys are prey for gay deacons, and that mass wine (mompo) taste like wet cigarette ashes (I tasted the ash to see compare it with the wine and see what’s more shitty tasting, it taste the same), and that altar boys are trophies of parents who don’t have enough time seeing their kids grow up (Oist! Tignan mo anak ko, mabait yan, Sakristan yan alam mo ba? how tupperware-ish)

Why believe in something that forces your eyes to look at the other direction so we could ignore and deny the hypocracy?

It’s not belief. It’s personal deception.

I’m not an atheist. I haven’t complete gone mental and I’m pretty sure I’m not stupid (Jake, sorry man, being a genius does not necessarily means enlightened intellect. but i still respect your atheist life and sodom bound ass! hehehe)

I still believe the there’s something more greater than everything in this universe. Something supremely awesome.

A being that fills the void and justifiably answering the questions on life’s every aspect, context, and any possible words that ends with “T”.

God exists. But we have no way of comprehending his actuality. Our mundane minds cannot process and absorb his awesomeness.

God’s not indifferent. He’s there letting us be. Experiencing life through our lives. Through our tears and smiles.

Like a sims player watching his own created world.  That’s what I believe in. God holding a remote and channel surfing.

“Lola I’m not godless. I just don’t believe in your religion”

THUD…

that’s my lola passing out and hitting the floor.

Wang wang wang wang wang…..

That’s me mimicking the sound of an ambulance’s horn while checking if she’s all right.

“RELIGION is POISON!”

- chairman MAO TSE TSUNG.

LUI’s real life sitcom (Motel Run Ins)

shssssh… Innocence is extinct.

Back in college I really had a huge crush with one of my classmates on my Media Ethics class. It took me a month to even have the guts to ask her out. She seemed so perfect and very innocent. The types of chick you bring home to your mother to have dinner with. The types you really dole out money on a date.

So after a month of awkward smiles, corny jokes and eerie glances with her I got the balls and asked her out. To my surprise she said yes, we settled on having a dinner on our first date…

I was so happy inside that I didn’t realize I was humming Jamie Rivera’s “Golden Jubilee Song” (don’t even ask how I know the melody). She laughed a little and I saw her cute smile, her dimples magnetized my eyes (wow magnetized… effing gay of me). She told me I didn’t looked like the religious type.

I decided to bring her to Nipa Hut, then a cozy romantic open air resto setting along McKinley road (yes! its near Victoria court… purely coincidence, i didn’t expected to get laid on our first date).

the whole night went well, a dinner of seafoods, an enchanting serenade from the house guitarist, colorful and humorous conversation and a couple of glasses of wine. Maybe not a couple….

Coz by the end of night, well, her little innocent self just disappeared.

I thought this was only the beer talking. I was a bit tipsy too, so I took the risk that I thought was way over my head.

I asked her… “so you wanna go somewhere private where we can talk… privately?” I emphasized the private part.

She said yes. WOW! I felt like Robin Padilla. That night I was like the gifted son of the Giggolo Gods!

My brain went to super active imagination mode. With my hands trembling and my cock tingling I paid the bill and we quickly dashed off to Victoria Court.

As we went inside, with her little cute self clinging tightly on my arms, i looked at her and marveled on how beautifully innocent she looked at that moment. Actually it was more like tipsy and horny. hehehe… damn!

but then everything collapsed…

tang ina… lahat ng makasalubong namin na attendant kilala at binabati siya eh… may pahabol pang SUKI! SUKI!

ang leche regular dun.

but I didn’t mind that. I thought that it was the mix of red wine and adrenaline making me delusional.

So when we got inside a room I told her if she wanted beer…

anakanang… ay red wine lang daw talaga siya, di siya umiinom ng beer… pero kung gusto ko daw kaya niyang upuan ung bote….

nawindang ang lolo nyo mga friends… anu ba tong babaeng to… hunyango? sa umaga sweet looking estyudante, sa gabi hardcore sex machine.

biglang tumayo ang hitad. sabi “Im gonna go to the cr”

that time i was really horny. so i grabbed her and took her clothes off…

only to realize that there was another set of clothes underneath it. I asked her “anu ka ba? takot ka bang ma-rape?”

she instantly laughed… “Eh Gago! di na damit yan”

Anakanang… tattoo pala…. tadtad ng tattoo ang hitad….

leche… during that time kinakabahan na ako… baka ativan tong classmate kong ito ah…

but that didn’t affected the wild sex. After one round and an hour and a half of kinky and dirty love making (yes that moment, i still thought of it as love making). She got a butt and smoked and quickly asked me…

“iisa ka pa ba?”

sabi ko “baket may pupuntahan pa ba tayo?”

“ewan ko ikaw, ako may date pa, nagtext na yun susunod sayo, nasa nipa hut na rin, ei nga pala, huwag mo sabihin sa mga classmate natin na libre to ha, alam nila girl for hire ako eh.”

Anakanang puta…. yung innocentengcrush ko… puta pala…